Thursday, February 5, 2009

Jon "Tiffany would have married me" Knight. Oh, Jon.

During my regular morning-blog-catch-up reading, I stumbled across a story that, suddenly, made everything make sense.

JONATHAN KNIGHT IS GAY.

("not that there's anything wrong with it")

I don't always jump on board with whatever I read on a blog, but I trust Trent. I've trusted Trent since he was living back in Detroit and back when he was poised to take over the blogosphere (before Perez "I AM A DICK" got his I-am-stealing-Trent's-signature-color-pink hair dyed and got a stupid show on VH1) because TRENT IS NICE. Trent has always been nice and doesn't blog dumb rumors.

So, Jon. After seeing NKOTB with my best friend this last fall (and fulfilling a 20 year old dream of mine), I was TRULY unable to understand why Jon even bothered SHOWING UP for the reunion. It dawned on me that even Danny gets solo time during songs, but Jon NEVER DOES. He seemed sooooo beyond the show and bored with it all. Why, Jon, why? You had a successful real estate career in Southie (on second thought, maybe THAT'S why he agreed to do it. TRY SELLING A HOUSE THESE DAYS). You didn't HAVE to be there. No one would have even noticed if you weren't!

Jon has always been "the forgotten one" of the New Kids--so much so, that every time I am listening to "Step by Step," when Jon's part comes ("Step Five: don't you know that the time has arrived?") I always interject "NOBODY REMEMBERS THIS LINE BECAUSE JON SINGS IT." (no, really, I do) I was astonished to see a homemade "I Love Jon" shirt at the concert--dude, what's there to love about him? He's quiet, doesn't sing much at all, and NOT that attractive.

HE'S "QUIET" BECAUSE HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN SINGING FOR THE LADIES! NOT THAT ATTRACTIVE BECAUSE HE DOESN'T CARE IF THE LADIES ARE INTERESTED!

Jon, my apologies for dissing you all these years!

Did anyone else hear that STUPID urban legend about the New Kids that was making the rounds in, oh, '92 or something, when they were totally UNCOOL TO LIKE, that (and I quote), "Donnie and Jordan had to get their stomachs pumped before a show, and when they did, they found each other's sperm in their stomachs"?

IT IS PROBABLY THE DUMBEST URBAN LEGEND ALIVE (except for the chain letter I once received, AS AN EMAIL, that had been "unbroken since 1888"--YOU KNOW, WHEN THE INTERNET WAS AROUND).

Why would they be getting their stomachs pumped? Why would they be TESTING THE CONTENTS FOR SPERM? Why would they be TESTING TO SEE WHOSE SPERM IT WAS?

It was totally meant to discredit Donnie and Jordan (coincidentally, my two favorite New Kids). No one would have dared to mess with Joe BECAUSE HE WAS BELOVED BY ALL, it wasn't worth it to make a joke about Danny because no one liked him anyway, and JON WAS SAFE FROM SLANDER BECAUSE HE HAD DATED TIFFANY, and so OBVIOUSLY HE WOULD NOT BE GAY.

WRONG!

1 comment:

Emily said...

RIP my dreams of marrying a new kid.