The Jestin.

Not that we’re that bougie (WHO AM I KIDDING? I’m about to review ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE HOTEL CHAINS IN AMERICA), but Vee and I have been to several extensions of The Jestin.

We did up in the Jestin-Detroit Airport the night before we left for our honeymoon (Did we get any upgrades for being a thrillfully newly married couple? Nah. NOT EVEN A ROOM UPGRADE! The only good thing about staying at that Jestin was the fact that we got A PRIVATE SECURITY CHECKPOINT available ONLY TO GUESTS OF THE JESTIN so we got to skip all the chuds. And our view of one of the airport hangars.)

We also stayed in the Jestin Copley Place in Boston (on the dime of Vee’s parents) when Vee’s brother, The Lieutenant, was graduating from Haa-vaad and getting commissioned into the U.S. Marine Corps as, yes, a second lieutenant. That place was DANK—we had a sweet view of Cambridge and the Charles River, and it was connected to an expensive “mall” (featuring stores like The Art of Shaving, which sells expensive badger-bristle shaving brushes and likewise olde thyme shaving equipment for exorbitant prices George Washington would have been ashamed of).

What’s so great about the Jestin chain? The Heavenly Beds? The Heavenly Showers? Or just the sheer knowledge that you’re spending over $150 a night in a recession economy?

Well, we were spending ZERO since we’re on Vee’s employer’s dime, so although I have no moral ground to stand on, I’M GONNA DISS THE JESTIN KANSAS CITY ANYWAY.

No phone books (wanted to order a ‘za from the Hut? HOW ABOUT YOU NEED TO PAY $9.95/DAY FOR THE INTERNET SO YOU CAN LOOK THAT NUMBER UP! Or, goodness, just order a $12 “La Provence” pizza from room service and pay the $3.25 delivery charge, PLUS a preset 19.5% gratuity, PLUS tax, and then watch that $12 ‘za turn into $20 when the total is $19.03 and the guy bringing it to you does a fake “pat” on his pockets during the awkward pause when you hand your $20 over FULLY EXPECTING CHANGE SINCE YOU CLEARLY ARE ALREADY PAYING HIM 19.5% FOR TIP and then, out of propriety [or just DISCOMFORT] you are forced to “tip” an extra $0.97, making you feel both extremely cheap and, later, like you got ripped out of another $1).

This was the first time we got the opportunity to try out the HEAVENLY CRIB. Vee called before we arrived to ask about it, and was assured by the front desk staff that “Oh, it’s very nice. Very comfortable.” As Vee and I wondered HOW THIS GUY KNEW THAT (is he BABY-SIZED? Have the babies given “rave reviews” upon check-out?), we still remained upbeat since their Heavenly Beds are full of white fluffy goodness. I was fully expecting a Wendy Bellissimo scenario with little sugarplums dancing over Kiddokabiddo’s head.

The Heavenly Crib, IN CASE YOU ARE WONDERING, is a white metal Graco crib with a thin sheet on the mattress and a prepackaged waffle-weave blanket tossed on top. Have fun, y’all.

(Not that it mattered, since our room had two full-size beds and Vee and I took turns sharing with the Kiddokabiddo while the other one got a Heavenly Full Size Bed to themselves.)

The Jestin Kansas City is apparently undergoing RENOVATION. Some hotels shut down their operations until the renovation is complete; the Jestin KC goes full-force. Which floors are being renovated? Well, the floor directly above us, of course. And work begins at 8:30am sharp, so hope y’all weren’t thinkin’ about sleeping in/have a baby who sleeps longer than that!

Our room, of course, had NOT been renovated yet, so what I am about to say should be read with that in consideration. You should also TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION the fact that Vee’s employer paid $115/night for these luxury surroundings (and that’s a special conference rate).

The popcorn ceilings were literally BURSTING AT THE SEAMS in that special “I think water has leaked through” way that Vee and I were lucky enough to experience in our apartment the first time we lived in our fair city. I RECOGNIZE THE SYMPTOMS, PEOPLE. We had to position the Kiddo’s crib in a place to avoid having her wake up with a mouthful of popcorn.

Then again, popcorn would have been nice. BUT IT WASN'T AN OPTION since there is no microwave (NO MICROWAVE! Hope you can eat that whole “La Provence” pizza at one sitting because YOU CAN’T REHEAT IT, folks. SUPER 8 AT LEAST GIVES YOU A COMMUNAL MICROWAVE TO USE!).

The TV menu WILL CONFUSE YOU AND THEN ANGER YOU! There’s an option to On-Demand shows you “might have missed,” so when I saw that I could catch up on “Real Housewives of Orange County,” I joyfully clicked YES on the remote…until I realized it would be $4.95. Not to be deterred, I went to the channel menu to find Bravo…WHICH IS NOT AN OPTION! How are you gonna go and tell me I can watch RHOC, which is ALWAYS on reruns on Bravo, and then NOT PERMIT ACCESS TO BRAVO IN ANY CAPACITY OTHER THAN A $4.95 ON-DEMAND?!

The lamp in the corner of our room DID NOT HAVE A LIGHT BULB IN IT. Are we in a Motel 6 where people are STEALING THE LIGHT BULBS ON THE WAY OUT or did the Jestin CHEAP OUT ON US?

Our shower was NOT a typical Jestin luxury experience (DUAL SHOWERHEADS and such). Back when this place got its last set of renovations (“Nine years ago,” as our concierge informed us) in 1999, the average height of a traveler was 4”11. Right? Which would explain why the showerhead is mounted at 6” exactly. I’m not that tall, you guys. 5’8”. I only qualify for “tall” in Gap pants sizing (WHY is it so hard to find jeans that do more than graze the tops of my ankles? RIDICULOUS!). But I had to stand like I was pregnant again, belly out, slouched down, in order to get my hair wet. COME ON!

Furthermore, since Kiddokabiddo is chowing down on the solids now, we brought our U-Haul full of “baby food gear” with us, including our dish soap so we could do dishes in the sink. Which would have worked if THE SINK STOPPER WORKED.

The Jestin KC isn’t all crap. There’s a really beautiful five-story waterfall in the lobby made out of limestone that’s ORIGINAL TO THE LOCATION—when the Jestin was built, they just built around the limestone formation and cut it into a waterfall. ECO, dogs! And our concierge went ABOVE AND BEYOND and took Kiddokabiddo’s diapers home, TO HER HOUSE, and did diaper laundry for us since we couldn’t find a place that would use our laundry detergent/our instructions on diaper washing. And we had the most beautiful view of downtown KC that you can imagine—a straight shot from 20 blocks south, 14 floors up.

I'd say more about the good aspects of this Jestin, but I've gotta get this blog on the road—only fifteen minutes left before our $9.95 internet expires.